The subconscious - by Doreen McElroy
I'm in a blessed time of life. I have the time and opportunity to
explore my own subconscious.
One thing I'm doing, as I mentioned in my other article, (1)
is to learn
to pay attention to my preverbal thought: to re-establish the
connection between preverbal thought and awareness. In this way, I can
reclaim my dark side and integrate its energy with my conscious
energy.
In the same way, I'm learning to be aware of my body. I find that I am
phobic about body sensations: I'm afraid to feel my heart beat; I'm
afraid of strange little pain sensations. For quite some time, I've
had the hunch that I'm not alone in this - that we, as human beings,
are phobic about our body sensations and that a lot of the sort of
frantic activity that we all create is a method of covering up these
body sensations. That theory would make sense seeing the way we're
raised: *Don't cry! Don't pee or poop in your pants! Don't touch this
or that! Certainly don't touch yourself!* Us poor little children had
to learn to inhibit all of these really strong urges and were given no
real education about just how to do that.
Anyway, I certainly am phobic about my body sensations. I know only
one way out of this situation, and that is to deliberately add
awareness. So that, when my heart gives a strange thud, just be aware
of it. When my hip hurts, just be aware of it - just allow that
connection to be made between body sensation and awareness.
Be aware of it AND express it. Express the fear. I do a lot of sort of
theater game workshop things with myself around all this. I exaggerate
the fear response, run around my auditorium clutching my heart.
Leaning up against my big exercise ball that I'm holding up to the
wall and moan and holler, clutching the ball as if it were my mother
or father.
I think I'm on the trail of something hot here. I'm feeling a regular,
heretofore subliminal, clenching and releasing of my throat muscles,
exactly like a repressed baby cry *Waaah, Waah, Waah* - Clench Release
Clench Release Clench Release. I'm betting that I've been doing this
constantly since I was a baby, since I learned how to keep my yelling
to myself.
At the same time, I'm noticing energy blockages opening up. I'm
feeling my throat relaxing, opening up. I'm doing a lot of singing in
my wonderful auditorium, exploring sound, exploring the sensation of
my throat in the process of singing.
I think if each of us would REALLY get to know our subconsciouses, we
would be in a REALLY different place and would be in a much better
position to think seriously about world problems. I believe that a lot
of the world problems are simply projections of our own subconscious
concerns and would vanish like the early morning fog were we to become
whole, no more subconscious and conscious, just a constantly shifting
awareness.
(1) Doreen's writing on preverbal thought to be found at bottom here
Doreen doreenmc@kih.net
(19.12.2000)